Memorial Day and Alive Day

Memorial Day is always a solemn day for me, but this year, it has an even deeper meaning, as it’s the 22nd anniversary of my Alive Day. As I pay my respects to all my fallen brothers and sisters, I also take a moment to reflect on what I have learned about my own journey of surviving war and a roadside bomb attack.

If I could go back to the afternoon of May 25, 2004, and face my blood-soaked self, these are the 22 things I would tell her:

1. The person you were before today is gone, and it may seem scary at times to face yourself in the mirror, but you will carry on.

2. The nightmares are going to be terrible. You’re going to wake up in a panic for nights on end, and this will span decades.

3. Survivor’s guilt is real; you’re already feeling it, but again, this will last for years to come.

4. But, in a few days, you’ll get to talk to Shane, and even though his outcome will take months to confirm, hearing his voice and knowing you got him to safety will be enough to keep you going.

5. Tower guard duty will be the comical relief you desperately need. You’ll spend countless hours with Grant, who will make you belly laugh uncontrollably.

6. Burger King is coming to Anaconda. Yes, that’s right. You’ll get the first whiff of it while up in the tower, and it will be a piece of back home you didn’t know you were missing.

7. Coming home is going to be extremely difficult. But you’ll put on a brave face for your family.

8. You’ll have another daughter, and your girls will become the life force that, more than anything else, keeps you from opting out of this life.

9. Milo will continue to be your rock and ground you when life feels like it’s uncontrollable.

10. You will become a workaholic. The obsession with climbing the corporate ladder and being successful every step of the way will seem maddening to those close to you.

11. Part of that workaholism will be going back to school. You’ll finally graduate with your Bachelor’s degree and your Master’s degree in Business Administration. All while working full-time, raising your family, and running marathons.

12. Running. Running will be a huge part of your life for over ten years. You’ll turn to running to cope with your PTSD and use it to raise thousands of dollars for organizations like the American Cancer Society, local Veterans organizations, and raise awareness for mental health issues.

13. The nightmares will continue. But they don’t just happen at night. They happen in the middle of the day, sometimes at the most inopportune moments.

14. You’ll lose a lot of old friends; most people who knew you pre-Iraq will slowly drift away. Unsure how to deal with this new version of you.

15. But on the flip side of losing friends, you’ll gain some very special friendships. One in particular you’ll meet while working at the bank will not only be a lifelong friend, but you’ll consider her family.

16. Back to running. Running will lead you to meet so many amazing people, one of whom will inspire you to pursue becoming a certified yoga instructor. As of writing this, you actually never really teach many classes, but the knowledge and peace you gain from this experience will be life-changing.

17. Seventeen years from now, that idea for a story you have in your head, the one about Emily Sanders, well, you’ll finally write it and self-publish a five-part novella series. All because one of your co-workers and mentors will inspire you with their own writer’s journey and motivate you to put pen to paper.

18. Writing Emily’s story will be where you finally face your demons. It’ll take several therapists and a lot of work, but after almost two decades, you’ll begin to sort through the traumas from this afternoon.

19. Therapy will turn out to be really hard work. But you’ll stick with it, because you follow the same motto as Emily- Always Forward.

20. You will begin to attend book events, meeting fellow indie authors from all over the country (and world!) and readers. Yes! People actually will buy your books and READ them!!

21. Shane not only survives, but he THRIVES! You remain in contact with him, being there for each other on the bad days and on the good days, birthdays, graduations, and everything in between. He’s super successful, and sometimes you’re so proud of him, your heart feels like it could burst.

22. You will still struggle, even with all the therapy, running, yoga, and writing. There will still be nightmares and flashbacks. But you’ll continue to dig deep and choose to live every day. Because you’ll learn that if we truly want to honor the fallen, we must live. We must continue to go Always Forward.