20th Alive Day

For days leading up to May 25, I have been trying to think of something meaningful to write. With the impending 20th anniversary of the explosion, I felt I should have a well-written, thoughtful statement to share with the world.

But the truth is, I have nothing new to say. For the last eight months, I have struggled with writing. I was roughly halfway done with book five when I completely scrapped the manuscript. I tried again and even publicly announced the book's title. But no matter what I tried, the words would not come to me.

Even now as I write this blog, I am struggling. I am struggling because, for the first time in my post-combat life, I have begun to truly do the work to heal my mind, my heart, and my body. And what I learned is that as much as I love writing, a lot of my work was based on my pain and trauma.

I don’t know where this path of healing will take me. I don’t know if book five will ever come to fruition, or if I will ever write another book. I recently told my therapist that it feels odd to feel good. When you have lived almost your entire adult life with grief and trauma, the healing process can bring on new feelings of guilt. This journey was a roller coaster, and I knew I needed to write the Always Forward series to help me through it. But the truth is, I never thought I would truly begin to heal that part of my life.

Like the motto in my series, Always Forward is truly a way of life. I can’t dwell on the past, and I certainly cannot give up on my future. I am optimistic that I will find the words to share with the world again. It may just take a little more time.