Coping with PTSD and Flashbacks

When I first came home from my deployment to Iraq, I would dream about Iraq almost every single night. Some nights it was that we were engaged in small arms fire, and some nights it was another IED (improvised explosive device) blowing up around me. For those first few months, I didn’t know how to cope with what was happening when I was asleep. I didn’t share with anyone, not even my partner, that I was having these dreams.

They were crippling and debilitating.

They caused me to barely get any true sleep, which made me angry and on edge when I was awake. My reactions to loud noises, and even to human interaction in general, were hard to manage.

One night in particular, I remember vividly. We live near a major county road where semi-trucks have to use their engine retarders to brake as they come to a stop at the base of Water Tower Hill. My subconscious mistook the engine-retarder noise for gunfire.

 I woke up to the sound of gunfire outside my bedroom window.

I lay there, sweating profusely as it occurred to me that my daughter was in the other room, and I did not have a gun near me to protect her. I fumbled around to try to find my non-existent M-16, because when we were deployed to Iraq, we always slept with our weapons within arm’s reach.

The visions were so real that I thought I could see the lights flashing with every gunshot. After some time, the gunshots ceased, and the paralysis that had overcome me subsided. I slowly got out of bed and crawled to the window to look out below. From my vantage point, I could not see any remnants of small-arms fire or anyone stealthily sneaking out of my backyard.

A semi-truck driving by triggered a flashback. I sat on the floor for a few moments, struggling to figure out how to fix my brain.

It would be years before I would truly understand how the experiences I had been through had wreaked havoc on my brain as a whole. I sought out counseling, finding the courage to reveal what had been haunting me for years. Over time, I began to open up to those closest to me about my experiences. I learned that the more I shared what happened to me in combat, and what still haunted me, the more it helped me heal.

These days, the flashback dreams are not as frequent, and when they do occur, I can typically bounce back fairly quickly. Writing Always Forward and the rest of the series have also aided my healing process.

I’ve mentioned in other blogs that I don't truly think I will ever be fixed. Dealing with memories of traumatic events never just goes away on its own. But I do believe I can heal those wounds, even if the scars are still present.

Today, I know when I hear a semi-truck braking on the hill, there is no one outside trying to hurt me or my family.