Holiday Perspective

The following commentary is strictly my perspective around the holidays while being deployed. I do not speak for members of the military. Like many of my previous blogs, this is my point of view only.

When you are celebrating holidays while on deployment, it can be difficult. You miss your family, you want to know what everyone is doing for the holidays, but then you also want to shut everyone out and block out anything related to Santa, gifts, and everything else that comes with the holiday season.

By the time the holiday season had come upon me in Iraq, we had already been in the country for ten months. We were battle-tested and worn out. When December rolled around, I had been personally involved in three severe attacks, one of which I earned a Purple Heart.

I missed my daughter and my husband. I missed my brother, sisters, mom, and dad. Calling home was still a struggle since you had to wait in long lines at the phone tent, and on several occasions, I could be talking to a loved one, and a mortar attack would strike, and  I would have to hang up without saying goodbye and find cover immediately. Other times, I would force myself to call home, exhausted after a long mission, wanting to hear about what everyone had going on, but also being a little bitter about it all.

My mother did what any good mother could do and sent my roommate and me a small artificial tree and homemade ornaments. It definitely helped, but every time I looked at the tree, all I could think about was my sweet, three-year-old daughter and how I wouldn't be home to shop and wrap her gifts. Do you think mom guilt in the states is rough? Try being across the globe at war and deal with mom guilt. It's enough to break down even the strongest soldier.

The base we were stationed at did its best to spread holiday cheer. We had a holiday parade, and our unit even made a snazzy sleigh. We all took our turns posing in the sleigh with our weapons, you know, the typical Christmas card from Iraq photo. (See pic above for my photo op!)

Behind that smile, though, I was a complete mess of emotions. But I knew I had to keep it together for a bit longer. I still had a job to do, and no matter how hard the mom guilt hit me, I had to stay focused on the mission at hand.

When I finally came home from Iraq, I quickly learned that holidays would be different. After being in Iraq for twelve months, I had learned that one could live without all the bells and whistles that our society makes us believe we need for the holidays. I found that I resented the concept of being stressed out due to all the pressures from the holidays. How could I get stressed out over what gift to get my co-worker when people were still dying in Iraq and Afghanistan?

After my deployment, the mom guilt I carried with me was replaced with survivor's guilt. Being one of the lucky ones that could still celebrate with their families. I have learned that I honor those who paid the ultimate sacrifice through living. But I still do my best not to allow myself to succumb to all the holiday stress I see around me.

I choose to enjoy the little things, like making my favorite cookie recipes, sharing them with others, and decorating the same artificial tree that my husband and I bought 21 years ago. And even though our kids are growing up, I can proudly say that I never allowed myself the pressure to shop too much for them. They always had enough, but we never overdid it. They needed to understand the true meaning behind the holiday season.

Most importantly, I do my best to keep the memories of those killed in combat alive. I offer up my silent thoughts to them, dedicate kind gestures of paying it forward to them and do my best to be present.

I hope this holiday season you take a moment and pause amongst all the chaos and stress this season can bring. Hold the door open for a stranger, pay for the person's coffee behind you in line or be kind to the cashier at the grocery store. Whatever you do, pause and reflect that there are thousands of men and women that never made it home to celebrate another holiday with their families.