Another Birthday Year in Review

As I sit here and reflect, I give gratitude for another year of circling the sun. It's hard to believe that just one year ago, I was in the final stages of publishing Always Forward, and now, I'm in the final stages of publishing book three- Carry On. It may have taken me seventeen years to get Always Forward out of my head and onto paper, but now it seems I may never stop writing!

It hasn't been easy writing Emily's story. Even though it is military fiction, I draw from many of my past experiences. Writing this series has forced me to face my traumas from combat. So much so that I recently decided to seek professional help.

Therapy and mental health continue to be taboo subjects. For many people, admitting that they need help is difficult, let alone sharing that with the world. But I am a literal open book and have always advocated for mental health, which is why I am here to share my story.

During the writing process for Carry On, Roddie's character was screaming for more space in the book. I had to dig deep and enter some dark places to do this. Writing book three forced me to face my traumas, specifically from my Alive Day- 5-25-2004. I have shared about this day in other blogs (see the first blog I shared here!), but it was different this time.

In the last few months, I relived what happened to me that day, over and over again. It was becoming difficult to focus on my 9-5 job, which I still needed to pay the bills. So, I asked my VA doctor if I could have a referral to mental health.

After an initial consultation with a therapist, we agreed that the Prolonged Exposure Therapy Program would be the best place to start. I would pick one traumatic experience every week I would write out that experience. Then, I would read what I wrote every day, answer questions and rate how I felt before, during, and after the incident.

This goal is to face my traumas and learn how to live with them. I love the example my therapist gave me on day one.

Imagine you have a junk closet. You may know this closet all too well. The one that everything gets thrown into at the end of the day. Maybe at one point, it was organized. There are totes, boxes, and bags of stored items to save for later. Perhaps this is where you keep all the winter coats and boots. Over time, everything gets loaded into this closet. It's jam-packed. Every time you need to get into the closet, something falls out. You shove the item back in and slam the door shut. Maybe it stays closed, or when you least expect it, the door flies open, and all the random items come spilling out onto the floor.

The closet example is how your brain stores traumatic experiences. It's like a closet you keep shut, but a memory from that day comes spilling out every so often. Maybe you have time to deal with it, or you don't. So you tell yourself you will pick it up later. Or you shove it back in and slam the door shut. Only it doesn't latch, and everything spills out at the most inopportune moment.

My brain has been storing the memories of 5-25-2004 in this fashion. Sometimes, I can pull out certain memories from that day when I want to think about it. But other times, typically when I am trying to focus on my 9-5 job in a corporate setting, the closet door latch releases, and all the memories come flooding out.

When my therapist explained this to me, I was in absolute shock. YES! My memories of my Alive Day have been haunting me like this for eighteen years! And even more so now, because of writing Carry On.

She explained that this therapy's goal would not be to get rid of the contents of my closet but do a deep cleaning. Each week, I would pull out all the memories, write about them, and then relive them every day.

I was terrified of this program, but I knew I needed to do the work.

I am proud to share that I just completed the program's first phase, and it has been an amazing journey. It was not easy, and some days were more challenging than others. But I did the work myself. After four weeks, I have not had one random traumatic memory fall out of my proverbial closet. I have been able to deal with stress at work and with publishing book three a little better as well.

But the work is not done. When you go through a traumatic life experience, it changes everything about you. My closet will always be there; just like an actual junk closet, it is up to me to keep it in order. I am committed to continuing with therapy and writing about not only 5-25-2004 but about the many other traumatic days that took up my combat deployment.

My birthday wish this year is that we can collectively break the stigma of mental health being taboo.

It's okay not to be okay.

It's okay to reach out for help.

And it's okay to speak out about mental health.

If you or a loved one need mental health assistance, professionals are standing by, waiting to help. Please get in touch with the Mental Health America crisis line at 1-800-TALK (8255) or text MHA to 741741.